Make a Pledge For Your Future And Mine

The Canadian Cancer Society is hosting its annual Relay For Life event once again this June. The Relay For Life is a fundraising event held nation-wide where teams of ten walk, run, or stroll around a track for twelve hours (through the wee hours of the morning) in exchange for pledges. Money from pledges is used to fund cancer research projects, to provide information services and support programs through the Canadian Cancer Society, and to advocate for public policies that prevent cancer and help those living with it. The event also provides a chance for cancer survivors to come together and for loved ones to celebrate those touched with cancer or to remember those who lost their battle with cancer. Among the planned events of the evening are the Survivor's Victory Lap and the Luminary Ceremony.

This year will be my very first year taking part in the Relay For Life and I'm really looking forward to the event. This year I relay in hopes for a long and fufilling future for myself and the millions of other people who have been or who may someday be affected by cancer. I relay in memory of those brave souls whose lives cancer has claimed. And, most of all, I relay with the determination to fight this disease.

I think the event will give me a chance to come together with other people affected by cancer and will give my family and I a chance to celebrate my victory over this gruelling disease. Most importantly, however, it will give me a chance to come together with others in hopes of making cancer history.

If you would like to pledge me in the Relay for Life, click here. By pledging you will not only be supporting me and the millions of other Canadians affected by cancer, but you will be contributing to a future with better treatments for cancer, more information and services for those affected by cancer, and advocacy that could all very well benefit you or someone you love in days to come.

(All pledges over $10 are tax deducatable. All pledges must be received by June 7th, 2007).

***I will keep you updated on my personal fundraising progress by adding comments to this post!

April 30th: My Birthday!

Tired. Period.

I apologize for my lack of posting as of late. As you can probably imagine, the hussle and bussle of my life over the past 8 months has slowly begun to fade. It is difficult for me to reflect on the current state of my life as it is unfolding. Many things are occuring, but in such a slow and subtle manner that they are often difficult to sort through. I am sure that in a year's time I will be able to write a book about the transition between having cancer/ cancer treatment and obtaining a normal life. But, for now, I hope you will understand why the well has been running slightly dry!

The past month has seen a great deal of ups and downs both physically and mentally. Physically, I feel great ... most of the time. I have noticed, however, that when I exert myself moreso than usual, I get tired much more easily. For instance, I was painting a room with Mike one afternoon and found that after just an hour of continuous work, I felt I had no other choice but to lay down. My body felt overwhelmed, as if a wave of exhaustion suddenly overcame it. This also happens to a lesser extent when I go to the gym everyday. I usually do about thirty minutes of cardiovasular activity (like running or biking), followed by about an hour of stretching and weight training. Sometimes I play squash following my workout if I have the time and energy. Usually I find myself tired and needing a rest as soon as I get home from the gym, where as in the past I used to feel energized following my workouts. I find that once I relax for 10-20 minutes and have a drink or a bite to eat, I am usually fine. I feel that now, more than ever, I am much more in tune with my body. If I feel tired, I take a short rest, rather than trying to beat my way through it. I feel that if I listen to my body the healing process will unravel much more smoothly.

In addition to feeling physically tired, my menstrual periods have also come to a sudden halt. During chemo, I continued to have my periods and was very happy about this, simply because it meant that the chemotherapy hadn't managed to shut my ovaries down. I hoped that this meant that the small risk of me not being able to have children in the future would be ceased. It was in mid-March, however, that I noticed I did not have my period. This was almost two months following chemo, and approximately six weeks after beginning Tamoxifen (my hormonal therapy treatment). When my period failed to arrive on time, one million things began to run through my mind. Predominantly, I thought about the warnings I was given by Dr. MacCormick about getting pregnant: Tamoxifen can make you more fertile. But, you need to take extra care not to get pregnant while on Tamoxifen because it is proven to be harmful to the unborn child. Luckly, I had an appointment with my family doctor in early April, so I was able to ask her about my sudden halt in periods. She reassured me that it was the Tamoxifen and that my periods could come and go randomly for the next year or so.
Although it is great not to have a period (we women all know the pain they cause!) it is also somewhat distressing to me to know that I am supposed to be having periods and I am not. This means that my body must be going through some dreadful hormonal changes. I just hope that this will not cause any additional harm to my body.

We May Not Be Able To Direct The Wind, But We Sure Can Adjust The Sails!

Mentally, the past month has seemed like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I recently heard someone say: "It is possible to get rid of the cancer inside your body, but it is impossible to get rid of the cancer that is in your mind." This definitely contains elements of truth. As I move forward from this crazy experience, I feel that I am presented with endless obstacles and barriers to overcome.

As of late, I have been feeling as though a whirlwind of emotions are flooding over me. I am unsure whether this is due to my recent traumatic experience and everything that I am contuining to deal with or whether it is a result of the hormonal therapy I am undergoing ... or a combination of the two. First of all, I am left to deal with a number of issues:

1) Health Issues- Am I doing everything I should be to prevent a recurrence or a new growth of cancer? I wonder what could have caused my cancer? (I can't help but rack my brains about that one) Will I be alive in ten years? What would happen if my cancer returned? Is this a lump? Is that a lump? Could this or that be cancer?

2) Self-confidence Issues- Mainly stemming from hairloss and loss of a body part, although this aspect is slowly regaining strength.

3) Friendship Issues- I cannot help but feel resentful towards those that failed to offer their support during this time. Also, I feel as though I have become disconnected with many people during treatment when, first of all, there were many limitations on what I could do in my spare time, and second, because I distanced myself from some people because I felt as though they couldn't relate to me and what I was going through or because I was in a completely different place than most people my age.

4) Hormonal Therapy- Tamoxifen works by mimicking the body's natural estrogens and thereby competing with natural estrogens for a place on the body's cell receptors. This means that less estrogen is actually gaining access to cells because "someone else" has gotten there first. As I mentioned so many times before, Estrogen is often a fuel that allows cancers to burn --or the food that helps them to grow. Without Estrogen, many breast cancers cannot develop. My breast cancer was over 70% fuelled by Estrogen and Progesterone, so it was a given that I would be placed on Tamoxifen. The benefit of Tamoxifen is that it dramatically reduces my risk of cancer recurrence and of developing a new cancer. It is not without its drawbacks, however. One drawback that has been haunting me over the past several weeks is changes in mood. As many of you probably already know, severe changes in hormones mean severe changes in mood (hence, PMS). Although I do not feel that my changes in mood are severe, they are definitely noticeable. I find myself feeling "down in the dumps" much more than usual without really knowing why. Small things seem to irritate me easier than they normally would have.

5) Relationship Issues- The ups and downs as well as the highs and lows associated with all of the above have definitely caused some strain on my relationship with Michael. We have been able to beat our way through it all thus far, but sometimes I wonder how much a relationship can take.

With all of the stress and strain I have endured thus far, it has certainly not been an easy ride. But, one cannot sit and complain and self-loathe all of the time (although that does make me feel better SOMEtimes!). I recently decided that I needed to take action with my life and make some changes that could do nothing but benefit me.

The first step was to find someone professional to talk to. I was speaking with a few people along the way who thought it should be a given for me to talk to someone on a regular basis about everything I've been through. Being the stubborn person I am, I wanted to be strong and get through it on my own (with the support of my loved ones, of course). But after enduring eight months of such intensity, I felt like that time had definitely arrived. It was a very simple process:

I had a doctor's appointment at the cancer centre one morning, so while I was there I simply mentioned to the doctor that I would like to talk to someone about cancer-related issues. Normally, the doctors would suggest support groups and the like. But, when you are in your 20s facing cancer, it is definitely not the same as being in your 60s and facing cancer. And, the age majority at most of these support groups is 50+. The doctor mentioned that they have a social worker at the cancer centre who leads some of the support groups, is there for cancer patients to talk to, and deals with other issues cancer patients face (like financial woes, for instance). She said she would call him down right away so we could at least be introduced and obtain a starting point.

The social worker quickly arrived to my room, and I remembered that he was actually a friend of Mike's father's. I wasn't sure what to think about this. Could I really pour my heart out to someone who has personal connections with me? I tried to forget about it and focus on the fact that this meeting was confidential and that he was here to help me. He turned out to be extremely easy to talk to and seemed to know a great deal about everything I had been going through. He had dealt with so many cancer patients in the past and heard so many things directly from other people going through similar ordeals, that he was able to tell me what I was feeling. I was left only to agree with everything he was saying and to add my own personal take on things. There were even some issues he discussed that I was able to relate to without even previously realizing that those things were bothering me. It felt great to know that there was someone out there who might understand what it I'm going through. I was so used to trying to make sense of things on my own and then attempting to explain these feeling to family and friends, knowing deep down that they really couldn't relate to me.

After speaking with the social worker for about thirty minutes we decided to schedule another appointment, which has yet to take place. I definitely feel great about this step I have taken, because I feel that it may give me a chance to get some things "off my chest" and to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through. If it is unsuccessful, then my next step will be to talk with someone more specialized, like a therapist. I'll keep you updated on how it unfolds.


I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! ~Dr. Seuss