We May Not Be Able To Direct The Wind, But We Sure Can Adjust The Sails!

Mentally, the past month has seemed like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I recently heard someone say: "It is possible to get rid of the cancer inside your body, but it is impossible to get rid of the cancer that is in your mind." This definitely contains elements of truth. As I move forward from this crazy experience, I feel that I am presented with endless obstacles and barriers to overcome.

As of late, I have been feeling as though a whirlwind of emotions are flooding over me. I am unsure whether this is due to my recent traumatic experience and everything that I am contuining to deal with or whether it is a result of the hormonal therapy I am undergoing ... or a combination of the two. First of all, I am left to deal with a number of issues:

1) Health Issues- Am I doing everything I should be to prevent a recurrence or a new growth of cancer? I wonder what could have caused my cancer? (I can't help but rack my brains about that one) Will I be alive in ten years? What would happen if my cancer returned? Is this a lump? Is that a lump? Could this or that be cancer?

2) Self-confidence Issues- Mainly stemming from hairloss and loss of a body part, although this aspect is slowly regaining strength.

3) Friendship Issues- I cannot help but feel resentful towards those that failed to offer their support during this time. Also, I feel as though I have become disconnected with many people during treatment when, first of all, there were many limitations on what I could do in my spare time, and second, because I distanced myself from some people because I felt as though they couldn't relate to me and what I was going through or because I was in a completely different place than most people my age.

4) Hormonal Therapy- Tamoxifen works by mimicking the body's natural estrogens and thereby competing with natural estrogens for a place on the body's cell receptors. This means that less estrogen is actually gaining access to cells because "someone else" has gotten there first. As I mentioned so many times before, Estrogen is often a fuel that allows cancers to burn --or the food that helps them to grow. Without Estrogen, many breast cancers cannot develop. My breast cancer was over 70% fuelled by Estrogen and Progesterone, so it was a given that I would be placed on Tamoxifen. The benefit of Tamoxifen is that it dramatically reduces my risk of cancer recurrence and of developing a new cancer. It is not without its drawbacks, however. One drawback that has been haunting me over the past several weeks is changes in mood. As many of you probably already know, severe changes in hormones mean severe changes in mood (hence, PMS). Although I do not feel that my changes in mood are severe, they are definitely noticeable. I find myself feeling "down in the dumps" much more than usual without really knowing why. Small things seem to irritate me easier than they normally would have.

5) Relationship Issues- The ups and downs as well as the highs and lows associated with all of the above have definitely caused some strain on my relationship with Michael. We have been able to beat our way through it all thus far, but sometimes I wonder how much a relationship can take.

With all of the stress and strain I have endured thus far, it has certainly not been an easy ride. But, one cannot sit and complain and self-loathe all of the time (although that does make me feel better SOMEtimes!). I recently decided that I needed to take action with my life and make some changes that could do nothing but benefit me.

The first step was to find someone professional to talk to. I was speaking with a few people along the way who thought it should be a given for me to talk to someone on a regular basis about everything I've been through. Being the stubborn person I am, I wanted to be strong and get through it on my own (with the support of my loved ones, of course). But after enduring eight months of such intensity, I felt like that time had definitely arrived. It was a very simple process:

I had a doctor's appointment at the cancer centre one morning, so while I was there I simply mentioned to the doctor that I would like to talk to someone about cancer-related issues. Normally, the doctors would suggest support groups and the like. But, when you are in your 20s facing cancer, it is definitely not the same as being in your 60s and facing cancer. And, the age majority at most of these support groups is 50+. The doctor mentioned that they have a social worker at the cancer centre who leads some of the support groups, is there for cancer patients to talk to, and deals with other issues cancer patients face (like financial woes, for instance). She said she would call him down right away so we could at least be introduced and obtain a starting point.

The social worker quickly arrived to my room, and I remembered that he was actually a friend of Mike's father's. I wasn't sure what to think about this. Could I really pour my heart out to someone who has personal connections with me? I tried to forget about it and focus on the fact that this meeting was confidential and that he was here to help me. He turned out to be extremely easy to talk to and seemed to know a great deal about everything I had been going through. He had dealt with so many cancer patients in the past and heard so many things directly from other people going through similar ordeals, that he was able to tell me what I was feeling. I was left only to agree with everything he was saying and to add my own personal take on things. There were even some issues he discussed that I was able to relate to without even previously realizing that those things were bothering me. It felt great to know that there was someone out there who might understand what it I'm going through. I was so used to trying to make sense of things on my own and then attempting to explain these feeling to family and friends, knowing deep down that they really couldn't relate to me.

After speaking with the social worker for about thirty minutes we decided to schedule another appointment, which has yet to take place. I definitely feel great about this step I have taken, because I feel that it may give me a chance to get some things "off my chest" and to talk to someone who understands what I'm going through. If it is unsuccessful, then my next step will be to talk with someone more specialized, like a therapist. I'll keep you updated on how it unfolds.


I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me! ~Dr. Seuss