On a lighter note ...

It was mid-August and my hair was now full of cute little curls. The days of fretting over being bald were now a far-off memory, or more like a dream. Mike and I had moved into an apartment together in Sydney in a nice little residential neighbourhood full of little kiddies. One afternoon I heard a knock at the apartment door. Who could that be? I went to the door and saw three little bodies peering through the glass--it was a few of the kids that I had seen playing out in the yard next door numerous times since I had moved in. Must be selling something ...
I opened the door and noticed that the three little ones seemed nervous, like they were up to something. "Yes?" I asked. One of the little girls said: "Ummm ... we were wondering ... does a bald teenager live here?" For a moment I had to think about who they may have been referring to ... as I mentioed before, the days of being bald almost seemed like a dream far off in my memory. "No," I answered. One little girled looked extremely puzzled, as the other two gazed at her. She said: "Are you sure? Because one day ... I was over there on the swings ... and I saw a blad, skinny teenager walking right into this apartment." Ahhhh. She is talking about me! "When was this?" I asked. She replied: "Oh this was earlier in the year, in the winter." "Hmmm," I said. "Are you sure she didn't walk into the apartment next door?" "No, I know the girl who lives upstairs. I could have sworn I saw her walking right into this door!" The other two childen looked at her and smirked. "Okay," she said, looking as if she'd been defeated. I was about to close the door when one of the other kids looked at the little girl and said: "Seee .... I told you Britney Spears doesn't live here!!!"
I could only close the door and laugh. The entire time I was living there, there was a little girl in the neighborhood who thought a famous star was living next door. Suddenly, I was given a new perspective on the whole "Britney Spears" fame I once loathed.

How could I ask for more?

August 29th- my 6-month follow-up appointment. After attending the retreat I found myself worrying a little more about the possibilities for these appointments. I had heard numerous stories that weekend where young cancer survivors had to face cancer a second and/or third time--each one of them expressed how much hope and courage they had after battling cancer the first time. And each one of them also expressed just how very difficult it was to have all of those hopes crushed when their doctors informed them that their cancer had returned. For those battling breast cancer, it is particularly crushing to hear of a recurrence because recurrence means that the cancer has metastisized to other organs and is then considered "uncurable." That word is just plain debilitating and discouraging. I know that there is a possibility that I could face that word some day. And that possibility scares me to death.

However, I cannot spend what time I do have worrying about things which are simply out of my control. While I am healthy, I want to feel happy, peaceful, and content ... not fearful, stressed, and uncomfortable. I want to focus on the 90% possibility that my cancer will not return and that I will be given the chance to live a healthy, happy, and normal life. It is easy to spend for us to spend our time engulfed in the darkness that life throws at us. I choose to be challenged to see the light. And if that uncontrollable darkness decides to return, I will deal with it when necessary.

I went to the appointment and simply tried to find a calm place within myself. There was no point in attempting to anticipate what would happen. I sat in the office and waited ... and waited ... again--like I used to do every few weeks just 6 months earlier. I forgot how much of my life over the past year had been spent in these hospital rooms. Ugggh. I suddenly felt thankful that I was now able to live a "normal" life, rather than dividing all my time up between my bedroom and the hospital.

Dr. MacCormick entered the room. I was actually surprised. He hadn't come to my last few appointments. He told me that everything looked excellent. He seemed very pleased with the way everything looked, but his comments did not make me feel overly confident: "Everything looks perfect--on paper. But unfortunately I cannot tell you what your future holds." Of course you cannot tell me what my future holds. That was unnecessary. I felt that although it was unintentional, his words were discouraging. I would like to leave my follow-up appointments feeling hopeful and courageous, not confused and helpless. Afterall, strength of the mind has a great deal to do with strength of the body--that is definitely one thing I have learned from cancer.

I shook off the comments and thought about how lucky I was to have been able to bounce back so quickly from all the mental and physical turmoil my body had endured for an entire year--surgery, chemo, tamoxifen, and more stress than I could have ever imagined--and here I am, feeling healthy, with a body that appears to be in great condition. How could I ask for more?

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand." ~Emily Kimbrough

The return to normal life after the retreat proved to be a much larger adjustment than I had imagined it would be. Sometimes we don't realize how much stress surrounds us daily--from work, to money, bills, relationships, health, etc. etc. etc. We all know that life can seem like a sea of turmoil. Being in such a comfortable, relaxed environment that focused on nothing but the self offered me a welcomed escape from the drama of day-to-day life. But completing the 360 and coming back to what I had temporarily left behind seemed to put all of those stressors under a magnifying lens. It was like a shock to the system. Dr. Routledge had warned us to ease our way back into it when we returned home by not immediately returning back to work or doing anything else we would consider stressful. He was correct.

What I did notice, however, was that although I was now more in tune with the things that were happening around me, I was now better able to put them into perspective. Because I knew that the things I was feeling and experiencing were perfectly normal and that everyone going through similar situations has similar reactions, I was able to take a step back and say ... "ahhh ... this is what is going on here." I was able to accept things for what they were, rather than becoming stressed or agitated about them. I was also able to use some of the skills I learned from the retreat to handle various other stressful siuations, like deep breathing and meditation, and by simply changing the way I thought about things.

Overall, I felt both calmer and wiser after returing from the retreat--it was definitely an enormous benefit to me.