"Tomorrow" (Jan. 26th) arrived and I went into the hospital amidst the commencing blizzard for my second round of blood work in 2 days. The nurse told me to head back home and they would call me with the results within the hour ... hopefully my white bloods cells would have boosted up that one extra point since yesterday so that I could get chemo and finally see the 'beginning of the end' of this horrible nightmare.
I did as she said and went home to wait for the phonecall. Two hours later (did I mention that hospitals work on their own strange clocks?) they called me back. "Melanie, we got the results of your CBC back. Your white bloodcells were actually just slightly lower than yesterday, so we're going to have to hold off until next week for your chemo." Numbness overcame me. A hundred thoughts raced through my mind. My white blood cells are LOWER than yesterday??? Did I take all those dreadful needles every night for NOTHING? Another WEEK??? Why can't it be in a few days or something? I tried to gather my thoughts. I said: "But I am on Neupogen. How is it possible for my white cells to be that low on Neupogen?" The other end was silent and the nurse replied that she wasn't sure: "Maybe they will have to give you a higher dose next time." I continued: "Does it have to be next week? Like, can't I come in on Monday or something?" She replied: "No, that's how long the white bloods cells normally take to reach the level where we want them to be." I could only hang up the phone in disguist and accept yet another unexpected stroke of bad luck.
I felt so awful. You couldn't begin to understand how much I wanted to get this overwith and move on with my life. This would be two weeks of chemo that were delayed due to Nuetropenia (low white blood cells). Two weeks may seem quick, but when you are suffering through chemotherapy it can seem like an eternity. The end just seemed to be even more unattainable, as if I would never reach it.
I went around the house mumbling and grumbling all day. My dad said: "Melanie, this is awful, but let's just try ot see the positive side of this." Losing all sense of positivity and practically abandoning my own self-motto, I replied: "What could possibly be positive about this?" "You get to spend the rest of this week feeling healthy and can put off being sick until next week." With that perfectly satisfactory idea I decided to take advantage of the wellness I was experiencing for the rest of the week. I took the opportunity to practise the guitar and piano, do some visiting, cook and eat all kinds of delicious food, and get some things done that I needed to do. Before I knew it next week was here and I was heading back into the hospital to do the exact routine I did last week, hopefully for the last time.
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Melanie,
I stumbled upon your page today and I've spent the last hours reading. I don't know if you remember me- I was a year or two behind you in school, and now own The Glace Bay Gleaner. We spoke around March of last year about you writing for the paper.
My family, like too many, has been touched by Breast Cancer. I wish I had had your touching insight when my aunt was going through it. It's obvious to me now that I didn't know at all what she was going through - and I'll look at her now - a six year survivor, with a greater understanding of those times.
I wish you the best of health, and thank you for your blog.
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