Life is a Sea of Conundrums

I left the hospital with a lot to think about.

First of all, I wondered how it was possible that my cell counts were that low after having taken Neupogen shots for 7 days. Again, white blood cells are responsible for immune function and are killed through chemotherapy. They regenerate themselves approx. 14 days after receiving chemotherapy. It can be dangerous to administer chemo when the white blood cells have not regenerated themselves fully because the immune system can become too depressed. Neopogen is the injection I take which stimulates the production of white blood cells in the bone marrow. This ensures that the white cells will regenerate themselves quickly and fully so that I can receive chemo on time. How is it possible, then, that my white blood cells were too low after receiving 7 injections of Neupogen??? All I could imagine was how low my white blood cells would be if I had not taken Neupogen. I would probably be hospitalized by now. Is it possible that the dose of chemo I am getting is too powerful for my body to control?

Second, I wondered about what would be the smartest course of action for me to take with the second breast. A 50% chance of getting a new cancer in the second breast is extremely significant. That poses the risk of me having to go through this whole ordeal another time. And, what if I didn't catch it as early the second time? What if it was fatal? Could I really risk all that for the sake of breast feeding? I mean, many mothers raise children without breastfeeding.
Lately I have also been plagued with worry about my right breast. I have been experiencing tenderness in the breast, which Dr. MacCormick thinks is likely just hormonal changes in the body. He says that pain in the breast rarely indicates cancer and, if anything, could mean benign disease (like cysts). Nonetheless, the tenderness has been cause for me to fish around and wonder what's going on in there. I usually don't go 24 hours at this point without checking my breast for lumps. Can I really live the rest of my life worrying like this?
Another thing to consider is Dr. Atiyah's suggestions that if I were to leave the right breast on and have the left breats reconstructed, they would be more like sisters than twins. He was adament about the cosmetic result, saying that he could get the best result if he were to reconstruct two breasts, rather than one.

As you can probably tell, I am leaning towards having the right breast removed and having both breasts reconstructed. The benefits seem to clearly outweigh the downfalls:
Benefits: 1) less chance of developing a second, new breast cancer; 2) less worry and psychological distress; 3) a nicer consmetic result
Downfalls: 1) can never breastfeed; 2) will never have a natural breast again, which may be psychologically distressing in itself for a woman

At this point, I am almost positive that I will undergo the second matectomy and will receive reconstruction very shortly after. The second decision will have to be WHEN to go through with all of this ...