Inhibition, Inspiration, and Ignorance

Losing my hair, as I spoke about so many times before, was definitely a challenging aspect of my battle with cancer. As a woman, and especially a young woman, hair becomes connected with femininity, attractiveness, and identity. So, losing that part of yourself can be extremely devastating. I found that becoming mentally prepared for hair loss made it much easier to cope with. I checked out pictures of people with buzzed cuts and hairless, ordered wigs and bought new hats, researched hairloss (i.e. when it happens, when it grows back, how it grows back, etc.), and tried to picture myself as a bald woman to get used to the idea of it. I discovered that when I actually shaved my head, losing my hair was much less difficult then I imagined. Not only was I was completely ready for it, but I thought the look was fun and different and I knew it would only be shortlived. I also looked at my loss of hair as a chance for me to experiment with my looks much more than I ever would have.

To my surprise, however, being hairless seemed to become more difficult for me as time passed, rather than becoming easier. As I attempted to regain my 'normal' life and move on after chemotherapy, I couldn't help but be continuously reminded about my lack of hair. Being hairless is a reminder to you and everyone else that you had/ have cancer. It is impossible to feel normal when you look in the mirror and see a cancer patient looking back at you. It is impossible to feel normal when you go out in public only to be stared at by people who can't get over the fact that you have cancer or, as I'll explain later, can't understand the reasons why someone so young would have no hair.

For several weeks following my last chemotherapy treatment, I allowed my hairlessness to completely interfere with my ability to move on. I felt inhibited. I worried what other people were thinking of me. I had little confidence in how I looked. I avoided going places and if I did, I wore a wig or a hat which, in turn, often made me physically uncomfortable. Finally, I decided that this had gone too far. It was not fair for me to live this way. I wanted to move forward and I wanted to feel comfortable in doing so. Just as I began to come to this important realization, I came into contact with a young cancer survivor, Lindsay MacPhee, who I had added on "Facebook" (an internet 'friend network'). As I browsed through Lindsay's photos I noticed that she never once wore a wig while going through chemotherapy. In most of her photos she was completely bald, and looked completely confident AND absolutely beautiful. Seeing those photos gave me the extra push I needed to go out bald. I didn't feel so alone in doing it and I began to realize that bald can be attractive. I told Lindsey how gorgeous she looked bald and her reply was that she felt the sexiest she ever did when she was bald because she was fighting a battle and was therefore empowered. I thought this was an amazing positive perspective that I could totally benefit from adopting. Cancer is a tough fight and those waging in its war are tough, strong, and courageous ... this fight should be something we are proud of, not something we are ashamed of. Suddenly, I felt crazy for hiding my baldness. Lindsay inspired me to accept who I am and what I am going through and to be proud of myself.

The next step suddenly became easy. I pranced around in public for the first time without anything at all covering my head ... and I felt a true sense of liberation in doing so. First I went shopping, then for coffee, then bowling with friends. Each time I went out in public bald it became easier and I felt more and more liberated. I did notice stares, but then I reminded myself of what Lindsay had told me. I also reminded myself that it wasn't common for someone my age to have cancer, so people may want to take a look moreso out of shock than anything. I tried my best to go about my own business and block everyone else out. It worked. I felt amazing and suddenly became much more comfortable with baldness.

As I continued to take these essential steps, of course there would be obstacles. When bowling with my friends one evening, I noticed a lady who seemed to take a keen interest in me for the entire evening. As I mentioned earlier, I could understand that someone may be shocked and therefore want take a look at me, but I could not understand the persistent stares that seemed to radiate from this woman for the entire evening. I blocked her out and went about my business. I later learned that this lady was not staring at me because she felt sorry for me or because of her shock at my battle with cancer at such a young age. She had actually been whispering to people around her that I was trying to be like Britney Spears by shaving my head. Little did she know that my mother's friend was sitting next to her. This lady's ignorance was nipped in the bud quite quickly when my mother's friend informed her in a not-so-nice tone that I was actually battling cancer.

I didn't let this bother me. I felt more sorry for the lady and her blatant ignorance than for myself. I am only left to look at people like that and shake my head. I picked myself up and brushed myself off after hearing about this and went into a store just moments later ... bald. I minded my own business and did what I had to do. The next day, I was told by Mike's friend (whose sister was working at the store) that a man said: "Look at this one ... the next Britney Spears" as I walked out the door. This man was also taken by surprise, when one of the girls at the store told him to "get out!"

I feel sorry that people can be so rude and ignorant. I will not, however, allow such empty and thoughtless comments to get in the way of my dignity. I will continue to move forward with my head held high and with my confidence intact. These very heartless individuals will only make me want to do so more.

I will end this post with a very important message: never EVER judge. No matter what the circumstance may be ... you never know just what a person is going through or what makes a person do the things they do, act the way they act, or look the way they look. There is a reason behind everything. If you do insist on judging others, keep it to yourself. Making empty comments with no basis about other people may give you some sort of temporary satisfaction (for whatever reason), but it accomplishes nothing else but hurting other people.

"I won't back down!"