Oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure ...

Besides my inevitable anxieties, the holidays brought with them plenty of other stresses. As I mentioned a while ago, chemo can put a damper on one's social life. Because Christmas is usually a time to spend with family and friends, the dampened social life became one hundred times more noticeable. There were gatherings I couldn't attend and I had to stay away from most public places due to the higher traffic during the holidays (i.e. malls, movie theatres, restaurants, etc.). I spent most of my time cooped up inside wishing I could have a normal holiday season. This was all magnified especially because many of my friends as well as my brother and his family weren't home for the holidays this year. I felt like I needed them more than ever this year, but sometimes the necessities of life get in the way things I suppose. All I can say is thank goodness I have a wonderful boyfriend with whom I got to spend my time.

Which brings me to yet another stress ... although I realize we are in this together, I couldn't help but feel that I was putting a damper on Mike's holidays too. Sometimes I feel I have the weight of the world on my shoulders--I feel sometimes like Mike's holidays were also not the best because of me. Afterall, I'm the one who's sick, right? He reassures me that we are in this together, that he wants to be here for me, and that there will be plenty of other Christmases where everything will be normal. But even with that said, I couldn't help but feel guilty sometimes that Mike's social life was also put on the "back burner" over the holidays because of me. I must say, though, that I am blessed to have such an awesome guy to help me get through all this.

The final stress of the holidays? Well, here is where I was hesitant. I sometimes wonder how much is too much to reveal to whomever wishes to read this. I do not want to overstep my boundaries and involve other people's personal lives in my blog. But, at the same time, I wanted this blog to cover all the things that one must face when fighting cancer. I want this to be a place that people can go to relate (especially people who are facing cancer). I also want this to be a place where people can learn exactly what it is like to look cancer in the eye. I don't want to just include some things. I don't want to just write about what people want to hear, what sounds good, or what people already know about. I want to be honest and I want to be true to both myself and others. So I have decided to meet somewhere in the middle on this next issue and talk in general terms about it.

Cancer not only affects the person who is diagnosed with it. The loved ones of those diagnosed can also be majorly affected. This certainly became evident with one of my loved ones over the holidays. Life's stresses in combination with the stress of my cancer diagnoses and fight through chemotherapy got the better of this person, who was left extremely depressed during the entire Christmas holiday. We all have our own ways with dealing with stress--this person withdrew, became extremely irritable, and was not at all enjoyable to be around. As you can well imagine, this left me feeling horrible. First of all, I was trying my best to make the most out of a pretty tough Christmas. This only made things harder. Second, I could not help but wonder whether this was all my fault. Am I driving people into depressions? And finally, I felt that I did not have the energy left to deal with anything else. I am already dealing with so much, how could I possibly have something else added to my plate?

I found myself dwelling on this person's state and driving myself into my own mini-depression. I felt horrible and began feeling sorry for myself. I was looking at things from my own perspective (how things were affecting me and how other people should be more sensitive to my feelings right now), rather than realizing that I am not the only one going through this. When I came to this realization, I had a talk to this person about how I was feeling and I felt much better. Unfortunately, the person has yet to come around themselves completely. I feel very sorry for this person, but I also feel that I need to be focused on getting myself better right now. And so, an already difficult situation becomes even more difficult.

I guess these are all just the realities one must face in times like these. No one said it would be an easy battle. Sometimes I worry that all of this is going to take its toll on my nerves, but then I also think that if I can battle my way through all of this, I can make it through anything. I do feel that I was thrown a hardball, but I also think that it will only make me a stronger and more courageous person. Always remember to try your best to look at everything in life as an opportunity ... a chance to grow. I do believe that there is something positive to be taken from everything life throws at you. Use things to your advantage, to learn and develop as a person. Everything happens for a reason.

I do apologize for spilling all my stresses when I have managed to be so positive thus far. As I said before, I want to be honest, to give you something to relate to or to learn from. Giving you half the story wouldn't do much for you or I. No one said this would be an easy battle, but I am definitely still up for the fight.