The next two weeks would pose similar challenges physically as the first treatment posed: nothing I couldn't bear. The biggest challenge would again be the psychological side of things--this time a few more things were added to my plate.
As you can well imagine, having undergone two rare "reactions," I was not feeling the strongest mentally. I found myself constantly worried that something was going to happen to me. I had always had friends talking about having anxiety, but I never clearly understood the significance of it until now. For those of you that go through anxiety or depression, I definitely feel for you--it is not at all pretty and an awful way to have to "live" your life. The anxiety that has been caused by my fear of something else happening to me (healthwise) has been interfering with my life quite significantly. One evening I found myself unable sleep because my throat felt as if it were closing over. Am I taking a reaction? What is happening to me? The feelings in my throat caused my mind to wander and my heart to race. Pure panic. The mind is such a powerful thing. I believe it has the power to cause physical changes in your body--like the throat swelling I experienced. My mother convinced me to take a Gravol that night which assisted in knocking me out so that I could finally sleep (and, by the way, it took her hours of convincing me to take a Gravol, since I am so fearful of putting any meds into my body now).
This "throat swelling" seemed to continue after this night. I would find myself worried to go anywhere strange or too far away from home because I feared another "spell" happening. What if something happened to me here? Am I close enough to the hospital? The throat would swell up once again and force me to make my way back home. I have found some small ways of coping with this anxiety, but nothing that has completely cured me as of yet: deep breathing, drinking water, and trying to convince myself that the feelings are being produced by my own thoughts have helped a little. The most significant help, though, is simply being somewhere where I feel comfortable. Although this sounds easy, it is not. This is what makes the feelings interfere with my daily life. I need to be able to go places without worrying about something happening to me. RIght now, I am hanging on to the fact that chemotherapy is only temporary and that in another month's time, I will be off all medications. That way, I will not have to worry about the effects of all these crazy medications on my body. Hopefully, then, this anxiety will only be short-lived-- a kind of "situational" anxiety.
Until then ... I am asking you to give back to The Pink Diaries and tell me if you've ever experienced anxiety, how it felt, and what you did to cope with it.
Once again: "He who fears he will suffer, already suffers from fear."
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2 comments:
Anxiety - how to explain that, theres so many different things that can happen to you. I've had this problem since i was 14 yrs old, and let me tell ya, its still hard to deal with. I'm coping well with it now, I don't ahve as many attacks anymore, I've learnt to deal with them. Take deep breaths, in through your nose out through your mouth. Do that until you can feel yourself calming down even if you have to do it for 20 mins.
My experiences in anxiety attacks have grown over the years. I think my worst one is me dying by taking my needle everynight. I'm scared that I will get a air bubble in my veins. My friend which is a nurse tells me all the time, it goes under the skin not into the blood, which helped me out alot, because of course she knows what shes talking about.
I remember one time in particular I called 911, because i thought that i was bleeding to death by pulling a piece of skin off my tongue and thought that i got the major vein. I still struggle with it almost everyday, but you have to remember that its you that has to control it.
You mind is a very powerful thing!
Erica
Melanie: I believe illness of any kind brings anxiety at some time or another. My bouts of it were at times that I had no control over what was happening in my life.
When my Dad passed away was my first experience. As I'd be nodding off to sleep an overwhelming wave of anxiety would come over me. I wanted him back so badly...........had no control over it. I'd bolt upright in bed....gasping for air. I was given ativan by my doctor, helped considerably. Also, figuring out my trigger(s).. am able to talk myself "down" when need be.
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