Bye Bye, Goldilocks

I spoke too soon. Friday evening my scalp began to hurt. I immediately remembered everything I was told and everything I read about the hair loss that accompanies chemotherapy-- one of the first symptoms is often a painful scalp. I remembered hearing about it and I also remembered not understanding what people meant when they said their scalp hurt. Now I knew. It began around the crown of my head-- it was a very tender sensation, almost difficult to touch. It almost felt as though my scalp was bruised and any movement in certain spots really bothered it. It was nothing I couldn't live with, however. I went about my business, knowing in the back of my mind that the time was nearing.

Saturday, new sore spots formed and I now noticed that my hair seemed extremely dry. It almost looked like straw and no longer had an ounce of life left in it. It went every which way--no products, straightening, scrunching, or brushing could make it change its mind. It now had a mind of its own. More memories came back to me-- I remembered reading that when the hair follicles finally begin to die it would be like the hair was ON the head, but not actually IN the head. This is because the hair follicles from which the hair was once rooted would now be dead and unable to support the hair that once thrived in it.

All the signs were showing up-- and they were showing up quickly. By Saturday evening my curiosity was peaked and I once again began tugging at the hair, as I had been doing all week. This time something different happened, however-- the hair I tugged very simply came out in my hand. It came out easier in some spots-- especially at the hairline around the face and ears. In other places it still seemed to be securely rooted.

At first, the new hairloss seemed more fascinating to me than anything. It was shocking to tug at the hair and it all come out in the hand so easily. I found it shocking how quickly it began coming out-- there seemed to be no warning signs! Sunday morning I awoke to find my brown satin pillow decorated with little blonde hairs. It is happening. The moment I was waiting for and preparing for for weeks now is finally happening.

As the day progressed, I began to find the hairloss more annoying than fascinating. The tenderness in the scalp continued and my head now seemed extremely itchy. I wore a black shirt and found myself brushing the blonde hairs off myself every half hour. Styling my hair was now absolutely impossible. It took a mere hour just to make it look presentable enough to wear in a black headband. I refused to shower in fear that I would have to watch my hair come out in clumps. Mike and I, thus, decided to head to the mall and hunt for some funky hats and head covers so I didn't have to worry about styling the matted mess on my head for the time being. We managed to find a few pretty scarves, a tight black toque, and a funky little girly hat with a comfy satin interior (which I immediately put on my head after leaving the mall).

By the time we were leaving the mall, my hair became so annoying to me that I decided I was definitely better off buzzing it. Mike thought it was a great idea too, so we made our way to his house to pick up his clippers. That evening, I took a big gulp and followed it by the plunge I was completely prepared for. Mike buzzed all my hair off (and, I must say, he did a fine job). We used a setting that allowed my hair to be rather thick over the scalp.

I must say that when he finished buzzing my hair, I felt free. The dead hair had become so annoying that it felt very nice to have it gone. And, the appearance of a buzzed head was much less dreadful than I imagined it to be. Actually, I thought it was a neat change. Losing my hair was much less devastating than I anticipated. I believe this is because I was able to prepare myself mentally so that when it happened it was no shock. I was expecting it and I had already trained myself in how to deal with it. The situation I once dreaded the most about chemotherapy was now very bearable to me.

Many people had previously told me that I should go to a hairdresser and have my hair buzzed in a room with no mirrors. Then, I should go home, wearing a hat or wig, and look at it in the bathroom alone before showing someone. This would give me a chance to absorb the hairloss and the emotional effects of it before showing it to my family and friends. This may work for some people, but for me I thought it would be better to have someone there for support. I thought it would be easier to have someone I trust and love buzz my hair and experience the moment with me, rather than someone I didn't know at all. I really felt that support was what I needed, rather than to do it alone. And, I found this method really worked for me. I think, then, that although advise is great, you should decide for yourself what you are most comfortable with and decide based on your own feelings, rather than what other people tell you.

Once the buzzing was done I took a good look in the mirror. Not so bad. Mike seemed pleasantly surprised and was very supportive of the new look. My parents also seemed to be very surprised at how the new "buzz look" turned out. Their support and encouragement really made me feel confident and made the new move much easier to deal with.