Faith???

After my visit at the wigbank, I felt quite satisfied with the wig we chose, but still deep down inside I hoped that I would never have to wear it. I made my way over to my grandmother's house for lunch and told her where I had been. I was surprised to see her reaction-- a look of shock overcame her face and she had no problem displaying it. She said: "Melanie Dawn! Why would you ever go out and try wigs on when you don't even know if you have to do chemo?... My Girl! You need to start having faith in the Lord! I am praying everyday that you will not need it and I have faith that you won't but my faith will do nothing if you have no faith yourself!!!" She seemed extremely dismayed, teary-eyed even. I was speechless. First of all, I felt that she was accusing me of being 'faithless' and, second, I began to feel as if I was unappreciative of all of the excellent things that happened during this process (i.e. the quick surgery, the excellent care I receieved, the great reports). I quickly began reviewing my actions since I was diagnosed and wondered if I could do more in the area of spirituality.

My grandmother is a devoted Christian woman in every sense of the word. She knows the religion inside and out-- she lives and breathes it. I must admit that I haven't been overly spiritual over the course of my life, but I have always believed in God, prayed, and trusted that He would help me in times of need. But my grandmother was asking me to put aside everything else (namely, logic) and put my complete trust in God. She thought I was in His hands and that if I had faith, everything I asked would work in my favor. Although the idea of this sounded wonderful, I was not prepared to completely drop all the preparations I was doing and wait for a miracle. However, I am an openminded person and I am also a spiritual person (although I don't compare to my Grandmother in any way). Thus, I decided to make a compromise.

I decided that I would open my mind to miracles and begin trusting that the God I have always known was there would be there for me during this time. I also decided to trust that all the prayers that were put out there for me from people all over the world would act as a spiritual force for me. What do I have to lose? My faith, however, became somewhat different than my grandmother's. While she hoped and prayed for me never to have chemo, I hoped and prayed that Dr. MacCormick would recommend the most sound treatment for me. I wanted to have chemo only if it was absolutely 100% necessary and if the benefits far outweighed the consequences. Still, hopefully chemotherapy would NOT be the necessary avenue (of course).

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."-- Martin Luther King Jr.

"It is good to dream, but it is better to dream and work. Faith is mighty, but action with faith is mightier. Desiring is helpful, but work and desire are invincible." -- Thomas Robert Gaines