Awake ... shake dreams from your hair ...

The second OR was as gruelling as the first. I went through the same steps all over again--it hadn't become any easier. I once again yelled and cried like a child during the needle, Patrice by my side. She took the same steps in trying to calm me down as she did a week earlier--talking to me quietly, letting me grip her, and assuring me that I would be fine. This time she whispered: "I think you are making the right decision. I think Dr. Butler thinks so too." This made me feel much better. Soon that wonderful anesthetic hit me once again.

For a second time the room turned into a giant wave and I felt good. Blackness. But wait a minute. Something is happening. I suddenly felt extremely bizarre. My body felt completely numb. I tried to move my limbs -- but they felt like they weighed 200 lbs. each. I could not budge. I could not even move my eyes, my mouth, my hands. I felt like I was trapped inside my own body. I heard the doctors and nurses conversing and buzzing around me. Wait a minute. They are talking about me! I heard bits and pieces: "This is Melanie ... she is a musician .... yes, she plays the piano ... a teacher ... was over in South Korea teaching ... yes ... 25 ..."I felt panic strike me. I tried to move my mouth again to tell them that something was going wrong. I tried to tell them that I knew they were speaking about me. I struggled. And struggled. Then everything began to fade away.

After what seemed to be a quick 10 minute nap, I awoke. Where am I? I felt something on my face. I began to choke. What is that gross taste?!?! I started to cough. I tried to move. PAIN. Wow ... a LOT of pain. I saw a nurse hovering over the top of me adjusting the oxygen mask that was causing me discomfort. Tears began streaming down my face, and I once again found myself sobbing. I was sobbing loud enough for everyone in the recovery room to hear. I can not tell you why--I woke up like this. The nurse took the mask off my face. I then heard a voice: "Hang in there honey. Hang in there. Be strong." I looked around. The voice was coming from someone in the bed next to me. "Melanie, this is Aldrina," the nurse said. "She just had the same surgery as you and we are arranging to have the two of you staying in the same room together." All of this was just words to me. I was too groggy to comrehend much or at least to react.

I continued to sob for what seemed to be about an hour. I was soon able to calm down. I was now coming to the realization that I was to be in a great deal of pain-- even more than I had previously been worrying about. I laid in that bed and tried to do everything I could from becoming anxious. I laid. And laid. And laid. And then the boredom began to hit. Did I tell you that I don't enjoy sitting for long periods of time? I watched the clock. 2 hours went by. Why am I in recovery so much longer this time? I felt tears begin to pour down my face again. I heard the nurse on the phone: "Yes. She's doing fine, but she is quite upset ... yes she's been crying quite a lot ... no I don't think its the pain ... I think she is just traumatized." Then I heard an announcement: "Visiting hours are now over .... blah blah." I yelled to the nurse, crying yet again: "How much longer will I be here? Are they going to make my family leave?" She talked to me like I was a child: "No, dear. I'm sure they'll allow your family to wait here for you. We are just waiting for your room to be prepared. It took a little longer because we were waiting for a room with 2 beds to come free so you and Aldrina be together." I cursed her in my mind. Just let me out of here! All I could think was that my family was in the waiting room waiting patiently for me to come out for the past four hours (my mother had been there with me since noon ... so she was nearing her 8th hour). I worried that they would leave and I would be all alone going to my room.

But soon my nurse came over and said: "We're going to take you up now hunny." The porter came to take me, but the nurse said: "This is my little girl. Do you mind if I take her up?" It seemed like she knew me, but I barely recognized her. Goes to show how aware I was for the previous four hours.

(I would later discover that the strange occurence that happened under the anesthetic was a small mistake. The job of an anesthesist is quite meticulous and requires two drugs to work at an exact moment together: the drug that paralyzes your body and the drug that paralyzes your mind. Turns out that my body became frozen just slightly before my mind, which explains the awful sensation that I experienced. It likely lasted a few seconds, but you can understand that it seemed like an eternity at the time)