On Friday night, Mike and I made plans to go to a Cape Breton Screaming Eagles playoff game and then to make our way over to a small bar in Sydney where Mike's friend was playing an informal gig. Two weekends previous, I had gone to the same bar to see the same person play, but I went sporting my long blonde wig. Although I looked great, by the end of the evening my head was so itchy I couldn't wait to leave the bar and remove the wig as soon as possible. I found myself in the bathroom on a number of occassions removing the wig so that I could relieve my head of the extremely uncomfortable sensation it was causing me. So, this time I decided that I was going to go as myself--no uncomfortable wigs or hats, no facades ... Just me as me. Despite all the rude comments fired at me from ignorant people the few weeks leading up to this particular night, going out in public bald (just about anywhere) was becoming easier each and every time I did it. I learned to ignore the stares and comments and to feel sexy as is. This night, however, would be the first time I would enter an extremely crowded hockey game or a bar full of twenty-somethings. But I didn't think about that. I got ready as I usually would, met Mike, and made my way into the night thoughtlessly.
First stop: Screaming Eagles Hockey Game. As we drove up to the Centre 200 parking lot it was evident that the place was crawling with people. There was not a parking spot in sight and we were left to park down the road about a five minute walk from the building. So ... it was a busy night. I still, however, entered the place thoughtlessly-- almost forgetting that I was sporting a Sinead O'Connor style. This thoughtlessness, however, was quickly revoked as I made my way towards the front door of the building. Just as I was about to enter, I heard: "What the f*** ?!?!?! ... Look at that f***in' Britney spears f***er!!!!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not only were people make rude, judgmental comments about me ... they were screaming them AT me. I felt completely violated and stopped in my tracks. I turned my head to see a large group of young boys, probably early high school aged. I stood there looking at them, silently threatening them to say it again. I looked over at Mike--he looked as though any minute fumes may blow out his ears and nose. His jaw clenched: "Who said it?" he hollared. Every boy in the group put his head down. He repeated: "Who said it?" They all turned sheepishly ... the little cowards. Mike said: "Let's go, they're only kids, its not worth our time."
Although they may have been young and ignorant, the abuse these kids threw at me completely killed my confidence. Suddenly, I became very aware of myself and felt as though everyone in the whole rink was looking at me. I wondered: Do I really look that strange? They made me sound like some kind of alien or monster or something. I tried to brush it off and hold my head up ... but this became difficult. I looked around to see if anyone was looking at me. They were. It seemed that everywhere I turned there were people looking at me in shock. The whispers invaded me and began to sound like screams: "Britney Spears ... Britney Spears!!!" I sat in my seat and tried to shelter myself amongst the hundreds of people seated around me.
Somehow I managed to make it to the end of the hockey game, despite feeling as though I was being made a mockery. Here I am, a 25 year old battling a potentially fatal disease, dealing with things most people my age wouldn't have to dream about dealing with, trying my best to cope with devastating hairloss and trying to maintain what feminitiy I have left, and I have people screaming at me, whispering about me, staring at me, and making a joke out of everything I've been through. Do I need to wear a sign around saying that I am I cancer survivor in order to get people to leave me alone?
I happily left the Centre 200 that night, finally escaping the cruel. I felt so small, helpless, torn, and battered. I tried to hold it together but the thoughts of what I had just endured invaded my mind. The whole arena may as well have physically thrown things at me ... it was the equivalent to me. Suddenly I burst into tears. Helplessness overcame me. I felt that no matter how hard I tried to move on and live my life again, something would get in the way.
With a little support and encouragement from Michael, my friend Lindsey, and my Dad, I somehow mustered up the courage to make my way to the bar as planned, a couple hours later. They convinced me that people simply don't understand my situation and that I shouldn't allow other people's ignorance to get in the way of my happiness. Lindsey provided me with the insight that most of those people wouldn't be half as strong as me if they had to go through what I did and that none of them could look so beautiful doing it. This gave me a boost of confidence, and so, with my cheering squad behind me, I made my way to the bar.
The rest of the night proved to be a great time and I was finally able to let loose and be myself. The bar was much less crowded (less than 30 people) and I knew about 80% of the people there. As the night progressed, I was soon able to allow the nights events to fade from my memory. Although I was able to collect myself and regain my confidence since then, I still look back on that evening and shiver. In reflecting on the events of that evening, I have thought of one hundred things I would have said to those people if I could have that night over. I wonder what their reaction would have been if I had calmly approached them and told them I had cancer? Next time something like this happens this is how I plan to deal with it. Hopefully it will impact those people enough so that they will never make such rude remarks, etc. to others again.
"And don't you see the strange way
That the girl dances away a day
Even ridiculed display
Won't stop her feet from moving"
"Why should I be hypnotized
By someone else's lie?
Why should I take time and pride in
What someone else believes?"
"Why should I bend myself around to make you smile
Why should I wear your blinders to give you style?"
~ Dave Matthews
First stop: Screaming Eagles Hockey Game. As we drove up to the Centre 200 parking lot it was evident that the place was crawling with people. There was not a parking spot in sight and we were left to park down the road about a five minute walk from the building. So ... it was a busy night. I still, however, entered the place thoughtlessly-- almost forgetting that I was sporting a Sinead O'Connor style. This thoughtlessness, however, was quickly revoked as I made my way towards the front door of the building. Just as I was about to enter, I heard: "What the f*** ?!?!?! ... Look at that f***in' Britney spears f***er!!!!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Not only were people make rude, judgmental comments about me ... they were screaming them AT me. I felt completely violated and stopped in my tracks. I turned my head to see a large group of young boys, probably early high school aged. I stood there looking at them, silently threatening them to say it again. I looked over at Mike--he looked as though any minute fumes may blow out his ears and nose. His jaw clenched: "Who said it?" he hollared. Every boy in the group put his head down. He repeated: "Who said it?" They all turned sheepishly ... the little cowards. Mike said: "Let's go, they're only kids, its not worth our time."
Although they may have been young and ignorant, the abuse these kids threw at me completely killed my confidence. Suddenly, I became very aware of myself and felt as though everyone in the whole rink was looking at me. I wondered: Do I really look that strange? They made me sound like some kind of alien or monster or something. I tried to brush it off and hold my head up ... but this became difficult. I looked around to see if anyone was looking at me. They were. It seemed that everywhere I turned there were people looking at me in shock. The whispers invaded me and began to sound like screams: "Britney Spears ... Britney Spears!!!" I sat in my seat and tried to shelter myself amongst the hundreds of people seated around me.
Somehow I managed to make it to the end of the hockey game, despite feeling as though I was being made a mockery. Here I am, a 25 year old battling a potentially fatal disease, dealing with things most people my age wouldn't have to dream about dealing with, trying my best to cope with devastating hairloss and trying to maintain what feminitiy I have left, and I have people screaming at me, whispering about me, staring at me, and making a joke out of everything I've been through. Do I need to wear a sign around saying that I am I cancer survivor in order to get people to leave me alone?
I happily left the Centre 200 that night, finally escaping the cruel. I felt so small, helpless, torn, and battered. I tried to hold it together but the thoughts of what I had just endured invaded my mind. The whole arena may as well have physically thrown things at me ... it was the equivalent to me. Suddenly I burst into tears. Helplessness overcame me. I felt that no matter how hard I tried to move on and live my life again, something would get in the way.
With a little support and encouragement from Michael, my friend Lindsey, and my Dad, I somehow mustered up the courage to make my way to the bar as planned, a couple hours later. They convinced me that people simply don't understand my situation and that I shouldn't allow other people's ignorance to get in the way of my happiness. Lindsey provided me with the insight that most of those people wouldn't be half as strong as me if they had to go through what I did and that none of them could look so beautiful doing it. This gave me a boost of confidence, and so, with my cheering squad behind me, I made my way to the bar.
The rest of the night proved to be a great time and I was finally able to let loose and be myself. The bar was much less crowded (less than 30 people) and I knew about 80% of the people there. As the night progressed, I was soon able to allow the nights events to fade from my memory. Although I was able to collect myself and regain my confidence since then, I still look back on that evening and shiver. In reflecting on the events of that evening, I have thought of one hundred things I would have said to those people if I could have that night over. I wonder what their reaction would have been if I had calmly approached them and told them I had cancer? Next time something like this happens this is how I plan to deal with it. Hopefully it will impact those people enough so that they will never make such rude remarks, etc. to others again.
"And don't you see the strange way
That the girl dances away a day
Even ridiculed display
Won't stop her feet from moving"
"Why should I be hypnotized
By someone else's lie?
Why should I take time and pride in
What someone else believes?"
"Why should I bend myself around to make you smile
Why should I wear your blinders to give you style?"
~ Dave Matthews
4 comments:
Hey Mel,
I'm sure I'm not the first to read this but quite possibly could be the first to post - my hesitation is only because I wish I had an greater explaination, but it makes me mad.
I recollect back to the high school days where the more accentric students were heckled for being the way they were. Remember Jonathan Ferrier and that ball of rubber bands!? Sorry Jon' - LOl.
Anyways, point being, I'm sure he had his reasons at the time but you know you have yours.....that was just what kids did in high school.
And I know the problem you're having is not solely kids, its the adults as well. Though I don't think you should be taking your story to the CB Post and publicizing you battle, many people have been through the same and you can easily tough it out.
And I think Mike could've done/said a few things at the time of walking into the rink, but you have to avoid the irrelevant people you come across in your lifetime bet.....because its the relevant people that matter and they know you're a *star*.
Keep looking up Melonieeee :)You're a fighter now girl !
http://www.elise.com/quotes/a/mother_teresa_people_are_often_unreasonable.php
xo xo
Lets try that link again
http://www.elise.com/quotes/a/mother_teresa_people_are_often_unreasonable.php
Sorry Meloniee... lol
the rest
_are_often_unreasonable.php
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