What we anticipate seldom occurs ...

The fourth treatment quickly approached and I felt as though I was looking at myself through a a video screen as people commented about how this experience would all be over soon. You must be so happy ... so relieved ... so excited. Soon all of this will be behind you. One more to go Mel! One more still seemed like a lot for me. But, at the same time, I was very grateful that this would hopefully be the last chemo treatment I would ever have to do. I remembered back to the first treatment I received--the most pervasive thought in my mind was that I would have to do this all over again ... threefold. Three more times??? Four treatments sounded so easy when Dr. MacCormick first talked about it! I couldn't fathom going through it once more, let alone two or three more times.

But here I stood, talking about my very last treatment and having gone through three already. I felt that my awareness that this was my final treatment would make it much easier for me to handle and would make it a much more unique experience. It would be relieving to know that the experience would be the last and that all of those dreadful feelings would soon be felt no more.

I found my Thursday pre-chemo appointment sneaking up on me as if I had just been there a few days earlier. In reality, it had been three weeks. Again, I felt as though I was watching myself through a camera lens, as though everything was surreal. A voice kept whispering ... this is the last time you will do have to do this. This is the last time you will have to do that.

The waiting seemed to be minimal this time and I was taken in quickly for everything. First, I was called in to have my blood taken. I dreaded the needle this time because ever since the second chemo treatment I have been experiencing an extreme tenderness throughout my lower arm (from the elbow down). The pain is felt mainly in the inner elbow where blood is normally taken, but it extends more faintly down the arm all the way to the wrist. I told the lady who was taking my blood about the tenderness. She said that it could be damage from having so many needles and so much blood taken from the right arm (remember, I can't get needles in my left arm anymore due to the removal of many of my lymph nodes in that arm). She said it could also be damage from the chemotherapy drugs. I feel that it is a result of the latter rather than the former ... a result of the chemo drugs damaging my poor veins. The technician even noticed that there was a darkening of one of the veins in the arm.

I sucked it up and let her poke me with that needle once again. As she was drawing my blood a nurse came in and approached me. Uh Oh ... what now. "Melanie, do you think you could stay later today?" I waited for her to continue, but she seemed to want an answer before explaining herself. When she realized my answer would not come without an explanation, she said "We wanted to give you your treatment today instead of tomorrow because there is supposed to be a bad storm coming tomorrow." WHAT??? Chemo today?!?!?! You have to be kidding me! I am not mentally prepared for that. I needed one last night of sanity! They can't be serious! I felt like a child again under the scrutiny of a teacher, as I fetched for some excuse as to why I could not get chemo today. Nothing came to me. I told her that I would check with my Mom to make sure she could stay with me, as she was supposed to work that afternoon.

Being the agreeable woman she never fails to be, my mother quickly agreed to stay, although this time I wished she would not. I told the nurse that I would stay even though I did not feel mentally prepared. She suggested that maybe it was best this way--to have less time to think about it and dwell on it. Maybe she was right. I took a deep breath and convinced myself that there was really no difference in taking it today versus tomorrow. Hell, it would be one less day I would have to be on chemo, right?

...it is what we least expect that generally happens