Live, Love, Laugh

When I finally sucked up the emotional flow that this new turn created, I gathered myself and did all the things I needed to do to make the most informed and sound decision I possibly could. I researched, thought about everything all the doctors had told me and suggested to me, weighed my options, and talked with my closest family and friends. After all this, the decision still was not an easy or a clear one. Both avenues seemed to have equal benefits and risks. Which is the right decision? Unfortunately, the reality of life is that we can never learn which was the best decision until we see the outcome. If the answers were always there for us, life would be without challenges to overcome. You can decide for yourself whether or not this would be ideal.

I decided that I could not play with my life. A 5% overall benefit in the risk of getting cancer again is a significant one in the overall scheme of things. Afterall, there was only a .1% risk of me getting cancer in the first place, and I got it. So when you consider this, 5% seems to be a big number. Also, i know that Dr. MacCormick is not the type to just hand out chemotherapy medication freely--I know this because he was not going to give it to me in the first place. Obviously, he felt that it was beneficial for me to take it, or he would not have suggested it. He also had a few other doctors to back up his decision. Something in my gut was telling me that I should not take risks. Call me a coward for not going against a doctor's recommendation about a relatively "grey" matter, but this is what I felt was the right decision.

With this decision made, I actually felt at ease. The decision eased the uncertainty associated with waiting for doctor's decisions. At least I now know what bridge I will cross, although I really do not know exactly how stable this bridge will be.

Now that I knew the direction my life would take, I once again entered "prep" mode. This first involvd me taking whatever measures were necessary to ease the pain associated with hair loss. I spent a whole evening looking at wigs online and got some second opinions from friends. I went out and bought a couple of new hats and scarfs for head covers.

I also came to the realization that soon I would be unable to enjoy public places, especially during the busy Christmas season. This meant no malls, bars, concerts, or other high-traffic places. This would help me avoid getting infections, which are less likely to be faught off when immune cells are killed during chemotherapy. But, it definitely would not help my social life and would not be easy during the Christmas season when shopping has to get done. Because of this, I decided to spend my last weekend before chemo shopping for Christmas gifts. Mike and I had previously arranged to do a lot of our shopping in Halifax at the end of November, but this would no longer be possible. Thus, we decided to make this weekend extra special by taking our trip a little earlier. This way, I could get my shopping done and also let loose a little before taking the bull by the horns. So, in a matter of 1 day we make the quick decision to pack up and leave. (I need to thank Mike for cancelling his football tournament so that he could be with me during this important time.)

The weekend was good and I managed to forget about everything that was going on for a few days. I have learned that there are definite cures (at least short-term) for stress and life's crazy turns: living (keeping busy doing the things you love to do), loving (realizing how wonderful love is and making the most of it ... in my case Mike and my family come to mind), and laughing (laughter has a weird way of making you feel fuzzy inside ... friends are often a good route here).

In a way, this week has become a week to cherish everything I have in life and to live life to the fullest. Soon enough, life will take yet another crazy twist that I will have to deal with. For now, I am living life in the now and enjoying every minute of it. I will try my best to do the same no matter what life brings ... even during chemo.