The wait

Mike and I were so upset after the traumatic hospital experience that our school director allowed us both the day off. The night was hard. I remember us hearing "Me na goa jail" by Peter Tosh (a song that reminded us both of better days) and becoming hysterical. Any little provocation would have us a mess. We somehow slept that night and were awoken in the morning by a knock on the door. It was my school director and 2 big shots from 'headquarters' (our company was like a franchise, so these people were the bosses of my school director). They were 2 men and a woman. They brought me a gift and expressed their sincerity. They offered to take me to a specialized breast cancer hospital across the city that housed a renowned breast cancer specialist in South Korea. The only way they were able to get me in to see him so soon was because the school director knew someone who worked at the hospital personally. I happily accepted the offer and off we all went to the second hospital that week.

Again, when we arrived I was taken in right away. First, a radiologist saw me. He spoke much better English than the doctor the day before and gave me a second ultrasound. He showed me the mass on the screen and was somewhat more positive than the other doctor. He said it was a tumor with an irregular edge, which "concerned" him. But ... then again ... he assured me that I was "young woman" and there was only a 1-2% chance that this could be breast cancer, based on my age and the appearance of the tumor. I felt much more relieved. He then sent me up to the specialist, who was sent a copy of the ultrasound images. He told me similar things. He also informed me that next Wednesday I should pick the results up from Areum Women's Hospital and take them to him ... he would read them and give me further advise if needed. Off I went ... feeling much better.

The week's wait was, nonetheless, a trying experience for me. Although I was told there was only a small chance that it was breast cancer and although every single person around me assured me that it was likely nothing at all, something was telling me deep down that I wasn't ok. I kept these feelings to myself and tried to go on as normal. This kept my family, friends, and Mike feeling more confident and at ease. We went out on some drinking escapades with some fellow ESL teachers, went to work as normal, went shopping, and did everything we could to keep busy.

By the end of the week's wait, I found myself beginning to think more about it once again. Ididn't want Wednesday to come. I was afraid of what the results might be. The night before, I remember laying in bed and saying "I have a bad feeling about this" to Mike. I felt panicky. My breast was still sore from the biopsy and all kindsof crazy thoughts were running through my mind: What if it IS cancer and it is spreading? I kept feeling to see if the lump was bigger. Mike was so good to me. He comforted me as best he could, reassuring me that I was going to be fine (although he really didn't know this). This was a very hard time for him too-- he was there with me through everything and experienced each and every step as well. So it was very difficult for him to be strong for me.

We went to bed that Tuesday night not having any idea what tomorrow would bring.