Words of Eloquence and Wisdom ...

During my research at the art gallery today, I came across some very powerful words from an important Native artist from Fredericton. The words seemed to jump off the page, and I could only sit and bathe in philosophical pondering after reading it. These are wise words that we all need to embrace in our lives:

"The true path lies not in a place where many follow, but in a way that evolves from deep within the heart of each and every individual being having the courage to take faith and hope, and to grasp an ephermal understanding of the vanishing moment. We delve into so many past wrongs in our lives that we forget to revel in the present.

Learn to capture what you may never have again, now! Do what makes you content for this time, and begin to realize the true purpose of life."

~Edward "Ned" Bear (Fredericton, New Brunswick)

~On Taking the Plunge!

Back in January, I was approached by the Saint John Arts Centre to be a part of their "Carnegie Concert Series." Each year they have a series of 4-5 concerts over the span of a few months in the name of the man who founded the arts centre. A previous professor of mine (who has heard me play several times and who happens to be the Vice President of their Board of Directors) suggested me as a possible feature artist. So they invited me to hold a concert (playing classical piano) in April.

At first I was very hesitant to agree. It had been an area of my training that I had rediculously neglected since I graduated (especially since being diagnosed with breast cancer). I worried that I wasn't able to play to my previous ability and wondered if I could actually pull off preparing for and performing at a full concert, after not having performed or prepared that large a repertoire of music in over two years. Then I also thought that this could be a great chance to get back into performing before its too late. It would give me that drive and motivation I needed to dive back in ... I needed something to work towards.

In the end I decided to take a leap forward and, after far too much thinking, I agreed to jump on board. I thought up a unique concert that would utilise my biggest strengths: teaching and music. I decided to hold a sort of survey of keyboard music, from the Baroque period to the Modern Period, where I would introduce each piece (telling some things about the era, what was going on at the time, who wrote the piece, what it was about) and then play the piece. I thought this would be an excellent way to draw the audience into the classical music experience and come to understand and enjoy it. I hired someone to do the "speaking" part of the concert and prepared the following pieces:

~J.S. Bach: Aria from Goldberg Variations
~Joseph Haydn: Sonata No.60 in C major, Hob.XVI/50 (Allegro and Adagio)
~Franz Schubert: Impromptu Op.90 No.3 in G flat Major
~Bela Bartok: 6 Romanian Folk Dances
~Linda Smith: Zart

I worked my buns off for four months--practising everyday, making arrangements, writing introductions to the pieces, and driving to Saint John weekly to practise on the grand piano. At times I felt like there was no way I was going to be able to do it. The amount of pieces I was preparing was overwhelming and it was like diving back in at 100% full force right off the bat! Although overwhelming, however, I did it! I managed to have the pieces perfectly prepared (and most of them memorized) by the April 12th date. I showed up, I played, and I got a standing ovation! CBC plugged the concert on their Saturday morning show, which I thought was awesome! Sometimes I would sit back and think ... wow ... I can't believe I've come all this way. And when it was all over and done with, I could only sit back and be proud of what I accomplished.

A portion of my musicians fee as well as profits from the bar were donated to the Canadian Cancer Society (some will be donated through my Relay for Life team, which I'll talk about in another post!).

The concert went so well, that I am seriously considering doing it at the Savoy Theatre in late June, and in Fredericton in the summer. Feel free to email for more details.

Thanks to the Glace Bay Gleaner for doing a 2-page interview about me and the concert in their April issue. Click here to read the article:

The Glace Bay Gleaner: Entertainment: Q&A with Melanie Roach

Here are some concert photos:

"Make Your Life a Mission, Not an Intermission." ~Arnold H. Glasgow

Photos From March/ April '08 (Approx. 1 year post-chemo)

Picture Updates

I've always kept you updated on the hair issue, so that tradition I will continue. Here are some pictures taken between September and February:

This is Mike and I at the Run For The Cure, Fredericton, in September (2007)--approx. 7 months post-chemo. My hair began turning into a mass of curls at this point. I had not yet cut or died it--every strand was still too precious!

This is me during my visit to Cape Breton for Thanksgiving weekend (October, 2007)--approx. 8 months post-chemo. At this point, I had just got my hair highlighted for the first time. Everything turned out great!

Here are some pictures from the Christmas Holidays (December, 2007, and January, 2008)--10-11 months post-chemo and finally seeing some length! The one with the curls is the natural look--the rest are the result of a straightening iron!

"If You're Going Through Hell, Keep Going" ~Winston Churchill

Well, it's been a while since I have written last, and there are lots of updates to offer.

I recently had my one-year post-chemo follow-up appointment, and everything looked "perfect" according to my oncologist. And, I must say, I have been feeling great. With a run-down body and mind, it took a little while to recuperate. Right up until September I was feeling extremely tired and run-down. The thought of working full-time again was scary to say the least--I didn't know how I would do it. But, somehow, it happened. By October (6 months post-chemo) my energy levels had increased significantly and I was beginning to feel like myself for the first time in a while. I eased my way back into the workforce--I started by substitute teaching and acquiring a few piano students. I gradually added new projects to the load, and presently I have seven such projects on the go.

Right now, I am really focusing on developing my career and getting my finances back on track (which explains my lack of writing!). I am trying my best to focus on everything that was, unfortunately, put on hold for the past 1.5 years. I am currently the Project Manager for an Arts Education Resource which is being developed by the New Brunswick Visual Art Education Association--we are creating a set of DVDs featuring artists, musicians, and performers from New Brunswick, which will eventually be used in the schools. I am also assisting in the development of an "Art EduKit," which is another resource being developed by the Beaverbrook Art Gallery in Fredericton, for the NB Department of Education. In addition to all of this, I am holding tutorials for Music Education at the University of New Brunswick (Faculty of Education), teaching piano privately, and preparing for a concert upcoming on April 12th, which will be an evening of classical music featuring me on piano. And, the substituting continues ...

When I look back to how discouraged I was just 6 months ago, I feel proud about everything I've been able to accomplish and how far I've come in such a short period of time. At this point in my life, cancer seems like a bad dream. Sometimes I cannot believe that one year ago I was undergoing chemotherapy. Sometimes when I tell people that I had cancer last year, I feel as though I'm speaking about someone else--did I really go through all of that?! But, at the same time, cancer has become a piece of me, so I guess it is has been normalized for me.

"I have learned to use the word impossible with the greatest caution." ~Wernher von Braun

In terms of my present health, I have been feeling great for the most part. I continue to take 20 mg of Tamoxifen daily, which is the hormonal therapy drug I will be taking for 5 years. I have been fortunate enough not to have the most common side-effect, which is hot flashes, so I am thankful for that. However, I have been experiencing crazy periods--complete with cramps and irregularity. But, for me, the benefits outweigh the unfortunate sife-effects. What worries me the most about Tamoxifen is the possible long-term effect of uterine cancer. I received my first uterine ultrasound a few weeks ago and everything came back normal, so let's just hope that this continues to be the case!

On the psychological side of things, I feel much happier. I look back to last summer and realize that I was an emotional mess. I had so many things going on. Regaining control of my life proved to be a tremendous task, full of uncertainty, fear, guilt, stress, resentfulness, and self-pity. I think that at that point I had allowed cancer to claim my life and to take control over me. I feel grateful that I was able to pull myself out of that dark time and reclaim the life that is MINE.

I would be lying, however, if I said that this disease has no bearing on me. I worry frequently about my health-I still wonder whether this or that could be cancer or whether I will have a recurrence. I feel a great deal of guilt if I don't eat well or if I miss exercising a few days in a row. I am constantly wondering whether I am doing all that I can to prevent myself from getting cancer again. And, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and helpless in my attempts to do all that I can to be healthy.

I have come to learn that the cancer journey is not only a long one, but an endless one--it will be a part of me for as long as I live. This I cannot control. I can control, however, the way I choose to view it and the role I will allow it to play in my life.

"The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping-stone in the pathway of the strong." ~Thomas Carlyle

Financial Woes

I was now seeing first hand the financial impact that a cancer diagnosis can create. This impact also brings with it a number of unique concerns when the person in question is a young adult. We are a stage in our lives where there is tremendous pressure to become educated and be successful as an undividual. Many of us are in university or just coming out of university. Many of us have thousands of dollars accumulated in student loans, all waiting to be paid. Many of us cannot recieve disability or unemployment because of our university careers. Those of us who did not choose the university route are just beginning our financial lives and have little expendable income. A cancer diagnosis is a HUGE blow to a young person financially.



This was suddenly becoming a dark reality for me. I became overwhelmed with financial stress. My credit cards bills began piling up, rent needed to be paid, RBC was awaiting their money. Every bit of money I earned was immediately being handed over to a bill. I couldn't afford anything extra, which was creating a deep sense of unhappiness for me. I felt as though I couldn't enjoy my life because I didn't have the money to do any of the things I wanted to. It was an extremely stressful time. If it weren't for the help of my parents, my credit would probably be completely ruined by now.



I think that there needs to be more awareness about the financial strain caused to young people who receive a cancer diagnosis or any other life-threatening illness. We are the gray area-- a tiny population of individuals who have a completely unique and unusual set of circumstances. And we are oftentimes overlooked. I hope that in the future I will be able to create a fund to help ease the financial burden of a cancer diagnosis for other young cancer survivors. I know it would have been extremely helpful to me. It is a time when financial support is a necessity, but unfortunately there are very few resources available for unique situations as such.

$$$ Money $$$

In September, Mike and I packed up our things and moved to Fredericton, New Brunswick. Exciting. I immediately filled out an application for substitute teaching upon arriving and Mike began taking his courses at UNB. I also contacted an old professor of mine, whose music education class I used to tutor, and offered my tutoring services for his classes once again. I hung posters around the city advertising piano lessons. I figured having a few smaller jobs would give me flexibility and diminish stress levels so that I could still heal while also making money.

Subtituting did not provide the cash I planned for. As it turns out, Fredericton has a surplus of subsitute teachers. Even worse, it is a very political city where connections mean everything. Weeks went by at first where I didn't get any phonecalls. Teaching piano, tutoring, and subsititute teaching the odd day here and there were just giving me enough money to scrape by.

And suddenly, one day in mid-September, I receieved a phonecall from RBC with whom I have a student line of credit. There was a one-year grace period following the end of my degree where the loan was interest-free, but I guess that one year period had expired. They were suddenly asking me for a minimum payment of $380 per month, which was due by the end of September. What?!?!?! I just had cancer and haven't worked for an entire year-there has to be some way around this! I made an appointment with bank to discuss my oustanding circumstance. I told them my whole story-- I had just graduated university and decided to move to South Korea to teach English for a year so that I could make enough money to pay at least half of my $50,000 student loan. But, unfortunately, a month after I arrived in South Korea I was diagnosed with breast cancer. This meant that I had not accumulated enough unemployment hours over the year because I had been in school for the past 7 years. I was also working in South Korea upon graduating, so I had no employer to offer me disability leave, which is what would happen with most people. I had to undergo surgery and chemotherapy which prevented me from working. Thus, over the past year I had not earned a penny. I was just getting back into the work force. I was hoping that they could offer me some sort of grace period, even if it were a few months, until I was able to accumulate some income.

Let me tell you-- banks are concerned with nothing but profit. They had no concern for me as an individual. They said there was nothing they could do because I did not have disability insurance. The funny thing is that they previously told me that they don't even offer disability insurance on student loans unless it is asked for. When I was 18, which is when I got this line of credit, the last thing on my mind was being diagnosed with a life-threatening disease. After I insisted that there must be something they could do, they called around and gave me one other option. They said: "We can make the credit line interest-only instead of minimum payment until you are able to accumulate some income." This sounded great, until she told me how much the interest was per month-- the interest alone was $250 per month!

This was a blow to my motivation and my confidence. How was I going to get by, considering my health and my bills and everything else going on in my life?

Health Vs. Career, Life Vs. Money

September was approaching and I knew it was time for me to start picking up the pieces and moving on. Although I was still not feeling 100%, money had to be made and my life had to be lived. I decided that the best thing for me to do was to start working little by little, until my energy level was finally restored and I felt physically able to endure the stress of being a full-time teacher. I needed to think of my health first.

This decision to take my health first and to mold the rest of my life according to its shape presented me with some further tough decisions. I was approached by the Cape Breton Victoria Regional School Board, who offered me a full-time position teaching elementary classroom music in the 2007-2008 schoolyear. Wow. What an awesome offer. I am basically being handed a full-time position! But wait ... am I feeling physically capable of doing this? At this point I needed to make a choice between my health and my career. On one hand, I could have an amazing job making lots of money, but I would be jeopradizing my body's ability to heal itself after everything it had just gone through. And on the other hand, I could settle for substitute teaching and making less money for the year, but at the same time I would be giving my body ample time to heal and recover. The biggest thing that concerned me about teaching full-time so soon was the stress of first year teaching. I knew I was still feeling tired and run-down and my body was not fully recovered from chemotherapy. I knew that the stress of teaching would only make this worse.

Ultimately, it came down to what my gutt was telling me, which was: "Your body is not ready for this yet. You want to live!" And, in the end, I turned down the job and settled for substitute teaching.

Mike was later accepted into the Bachelor of Education program at the University of New Brunswick, which we had been hoping for for many months previous. We decided that we would move to Fredericton together for the year. I was extremely excited about this move because it was almost like a first step. It would get me back out of my parents house and away, so I could regain some independence. I also have university friends as well as my brother and his family living in New Brunswick, so I would have a chance to spend some time with them again and rekindle some friendships. I felt confident about taking this first step back into my life.

On a lighter note ...

It was mid-August and my hair was now full of cute little curls. The days of fretting over being bald were now a far-off memory, or more like a dream. Mike and I had moved into an apartment together in Sydney in a nice little residential neighbourhood full of little kiddies. One afternoon I heard a knock at the apartment door. Who could that be? I went to the door and saw three little bodies peering through the glass--it was a few of the kids that I had seen playing out in the yard next door numerous times since I had moved in. Must be selling something ...
I opened the door and noticed that the three little ones seemed nervous, like they were up to something. "Yes?" I asked. One of the little girls said: "Ummm ... we were wondering ... does a bald teenager live here?" For a moment I had to think about who they may have been referring to ... as I mentioed before, the days of being bald almost seemed like a dream far off in my memory. "No," I answered. One little girled looked extremely puzzled, as the other two gazed at her. She said: "Are you sure? Because one day ... I was over there on the swings ... and I saw a blad, skinny teenager walking right into this apartment." Ahhhh. She is talking about me! "When was this?" I asked. She replied: "Oh this was earlier in the year, in the winter." "Hmmm," I said. "Are you sure she didn't walk into the apartment next door?" "No, I know the girl who lives upstairs. I could have sworn I saw her walking right into this door!" The other two childen looked at her and smirked. "Okay," she said, looking as if she'd been defeated. I was about to close the door when one of the other kids looked at the little girl and said: "Seee .... I told you Britney Spears doesn't live here!!!"
I could only close the door and laugh. The entire time I was living there, there was a little girl in the neighborhood who thought a famous star was living next door. Suddenly, I was given a new perspective on the whole "Britney Spears" fame I once loathed.

How could I ask for more?

August 29th- my 6-month follow-up appointment. After attending the retreat I found myself worrying a little more about the possibilities for these appointments. I had heard numerous stories that weekend where young cancer survivors had to face cancer a second and/or third time--each one of them expressed how much hope and courage they had after battling cancer the first time. And each one of them also expressed just how very difficult it was to have all of those hopes crushed when their doctors informed them that their cancer had returned. For those battling breast cancer, it is particularly crushing to hear of a recurrence because recurrence means that the cancer has metastisized to other organs and is then considered "uncurable." That word is just plain debilitating and discouraging. I know that there is a possibility that I could face that word some day. And that possibility scares me to death.

However, I cannot spend what time I do have worrying about things which are simply out of my control. While I am healthy, I want to feel happy, peaceful, and content ... not fearful, stressed, and uncomfortable. I want to focus on the 90% possibility that my cancer will not return and that I will be given the chance to live a healthy, happy, and normal life. It is easy to spend for us to spend our time engulfed in the darkness that life throws at us. I choose to be challenged to see the light. And if that uncontrollable darkness decides to return, I will deal with it when necessary.

I went to the appointment and simply tried to find a calm place within myself. There was no point in attempting to anticipate what would happen. I sat in the office and waited ... and waited ... again--like I used to do every few weeks just 6 months earlier. I forgot how much of my life over the past year had been spent in these hospital rooms. Ugggh. I suddenly felt thankful that I was now able to live a "normal" life, rather than dividing all my time up between my bedroom and the hospital.

Dr. MacCormick entered the room. I was actually surprised. He hadn't come to my last few appointments. He told me that everything looked excellent. He seemed very pleased with the way everything looked, but his comments did not make me feel overly confident: "Everything looks perfect--on paper. But unfortunately I cannot tell you what your future holds." Of course you cannot tell me what my future holds. That was unnecessary. I felt that although it was unintentional, his words were discouraging. I would like to leave my follow-up appointments feeling hopeful and courageous, not confused and helpless. Afterall, strength of the mind has a great deal to do with strength of the body--that is definitely one thing I have learned from cancer.

I shook off the comments and thought about how lucky I was to have been able to bounce back so quickly from all the mental and physical turmoil my body had endured for an entire year--surgery, chemo, tamoxifen, and more stress than I could have ever imagined--and here I am, feeling healthy, with a body that appears to be in great condition. How could I ask for more?